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The Leopard's Spots
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“My husband is left handed and I want him right.”
“My wife has brown eyes and I want them green.”
Outrageous requests, but so is trying to
change your spouse’s temperament, the genetic part
of our personality. Think introvert, extrovert, or
HSP. Trying to change this part of your spouse
launches a losing battle. Rather than change each
other, apply the following conversation tips.
Seek to understand his/her temperament.
How do they feel about life? Does work overwhelm
him; does she love a busy schedule? Talk to your
spouse, and...
Listen as they describe their world and
follow these rules: do not interrupt, criticize, or
correct. Allow him/her to share without reservation
or fear of reproach. For example, your spouse may
not like surprises. She shares how a new
restaurant drains her and that's why the anniversary
got ruined. Sincerely seek to
understand her world views. Next, honestly share
your views according to the same rules.
Compare notes. How do the
differences affect your marriage? Find the friction
points and decide how to smooth them. A new
restaurant caused the battle. Now you know to do a
little research so your spouse can feel familiar at
a new eatery.
Trade. Learn from each other. I am an
HSP – Highly Sensitive Person – Laura is not. (see
article). I
have learned to step out a little more and she has
gleaned some of my sensitivities. Trading strong
points makes us richer people.
Share expectations. This can and
should take a while. That’s the fun, sharing your
expectations over a long period of time. When you
know your spouse’s expectations you understand more
and disappoint less. He may expect friends for his
birthday. She may expect a quiet dinner together
followed by a walk.
Trying to change each other fractures a
marriage; growing together knits it. Growing opens
the lock, changing each other rusts it shut. We
naturally change but not through force, let change
be organic as you enjoy each other’s world.
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